Arts and Crafts with Connielingus! - Part 4

This piece was kind of a passing fancy I had in 2002, in attempting to create my own "Gig Posters". (I have a fairly large collection of these type of Concert posters from various other artists myself)
At the time I had a bit of a girly "fascination", shall we say, with the Calgary Twin Acoustic-Rockers, Tegan and Sara. This watercolor and ink "poster" (a sorta ripoff of Bruce Springsteen's album cover of "Greetings From Asbury Park") was for a show they played in Ottawa, Ontario in November of 2002. I actually got as far as contacting the T and S management and sending off a dozen copies to their "head office" - but that's the last I ever heard or saw from my efforts. (Oh well.... I'm still cool to you, right?) 

This is a shot taken from a park about 15 minutes from my house.
I sometimes forget how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful place...... 

ILANAAQ the INUKSHUK

Earlier this Week the International Olympic Committee revealed the New Mascot for the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics. The design is modeled after an "inukshuk", which are stone landmark and navigational monuments created by the Inuit people of the Arctic Circle.
The hulking stone figure of a man has been named "ILANAAQ" which is the Inuit word for friend.
- I dunno, but I'm not a huge fan of this one. I find it really simplistic and definitely unsporty... It is just so... bulky... and cartoonish. Blah.
I am also in full agreement with those who think, simply, that if the Olympics are being held in British Columbia, why wouldn't you have a more West Coast theme, as opposed to an Arctic one? It seems out of place as the Games are being held in an area that is pretty much a rainforest flanked by huge mountain peaks. (So Therefore, if we are talking "West Coast Themes", perhaps a Canucks Orca Whale jumping in front of an Olympic colored stylized Pot Leaf with Raindrops might be more fitting.)

I suppose I will just have to get used to it as it will be plastered on every godforsaken piece of literature and signage from all of the hundreds of sponsors for the next 5 years, let alone the millions of T-shirts, posters and other consumer crap for the next 10.
Oh Ilanaaq - you big ol' pillar of strength - From this point on you will be in the hearts and minds of all British Columbians whether we like you or not. 

Dana and Alice as Capt. Stubing and Julie from "The Love Boat"....The most amusing L word moment to date.  

The L word - Episode 210 - "Land Ahoy"

I found this weeks episode just a bit cheesy.... - Basically an "Olivia Cruise" commercial gone wrong. But if anything, it should've at least made all those out there who incessantly bitch about The L word not showing enough real Lesbo content extremely happy. Shiver me britches you coulda swabbed the deck with all that authentic dykish charm.
But I digress.....
Right off the bat we are subjected to more "Betty" action - One minute Amy Ziff is playing the Cello, next minute she is having some obscene tit-squishing hot-tub "I'm The King Of the World" Sex with an "Orgasm expert" named Phoebe Sparkle, who turns out to be on a women's sex "panel" with Dana aboard this particular cruise. So of course Alice is there, and the twisted threesome of Shane, Carmen and Jenny tag along as well. Jenny, knowing all about the kitchen love confession, (from last weeks episode) spends the whole cruise slightly off her rocker trying to persuade Carmen and Shane to get it on in her trademark mentally cryptic way. Of course, the "I Sleep With a Different Woman Everyday Sexpert" immediately hones in on Shane and asked her to have a drink. A short time later Shane is throwing her down on the bed, they have a brief exchange over who is going to top who.... Phoebe Sparkles yawns and Shane asks to sleep on her couch. - I guess the whole angle with Ms. Sparkles was to prove that even a "sexpert" and a "sexfiend" need a night off once in a while. OK then.
The only great part of the Cruise sequence was a scene where Alice and Dana do a bit of "Love Boat" Role Play - Wonderful as it was, got somewhat ruined by that absolutely annoying background music bullshit going "We're on the LEZ BOAT...Lala LEZ BOAT" OK then.
So that's where things get more serious. The Bette and Tina situation seems to be turning the corner when Bette is invited to an awards ceremony honoring Tina, by none other than Hell-in-a-pea-body. At the Gala, with both "B" and "T" looking absolutely ravishing, Tina casually asks Bette, - still glowing from their mad-lovin from last episode - that they should start "dating" because, and I quote, - she and Helena are "not exclusive". I have a sneaking suspicion that Hell-in-a-handbasket won't be too happy with that revelation.
As far as Kit goes, I have completely lost interest in her storyline with Benjamin Bradshaw, but in this episode Bette and Kit's father (the late Ossie Davis) comes into town and meets up with the happy adulterous couple and continues to ignore the fact of Bette's love life. Deeply hurt, she hits the wall and lets dear ol' Daddy have it. He still remains a stick in the mud, and concludes the scene by keeling over at Dinner wit Kit and Benjamin. Kit phones Bette who must leave the awards ceremony just as Tina gets up on stage. The first thing "T" does is look over to see her love in the audience, but cannot hide her disappointment to find her ex-wife's seat empty.

FLASH TO SHENNY'S LOVE PALACE, where Mark is busy taking down the "rapey" cameras just as the girls walk in. Jenny hands over the incriminating "love confession" tape to Shane and Carmen. Shane stands there stunned, Mark awaits her wrath, and Carmen runs after a weeping Jenny to make some lame excuse, and then takes off after slamming the video into Mark's chest. Shane starts to stew as she sees that most of the titles of the movie footage contain her name. Obviously deeply upset she proceeds to punch Mark in the face, throws one of the camera's against the wall, and with tears in her eye's the scene cuts to black and the credits roll.
Whoa!....Next weeks episode is going to be heavy......

To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Divine........

Hey, Isn't This about the same time of year Vancouverites would be trying to sort out the aftermath of a yet another piss-poor Canucks Playoff Run??...
Hmmm, somehow I feel empty inside.
It's also time to forgive Bert.....For godsakes just let him play.... I'm sick of hearing about it.
(Alas! He seems to be a lover, not a fighter after all.) 

The Fun in Owning Your own Home.

This Morning I am up early because the Plumber is here. I've been putting off getting my old rusty galvanized pipes replaced for the last year and a bit because of the ass-puckering price tag of a little over $1000. Damn it, I could be booking a trip for me and my GF to Las Vegas for a little over $1000.... or maybe going on a $1000 stereo equipment shopping spree.... but no. A cool hard grand is being handed over so water can come out of my taps again without being brown for the first 30 seconds. Bah!
You know, the one thing I've noticed about owning your own house is that EVERYTHING that you update, renovate, or add-on works out to be double in price than you could ever have imagined it to be.... For example, I added on a 4 ft by 8 ft extention with stairs on my deck last summer. I was thinking around $400 bucks, yeah...no...try almost $700 when it was all said and done. JAY-ZUS!
Well at least this explains why I sit around like a loser-from-hell, in front of the computer, obsessed with my blog instead of spending $5 a beer down at the pub with my non-house owning friends. Hell, I won't even have them over either because they spill shit on the carpet, and wreck stuff that I have to fix and pay for.......Bah!


*(feeling a little hostile - perhaps I need to get out more......)*

* AIRPLANE CORROSION OF THE WEEK *

I am so sick of looking at Corrosion..... Here's something new:
*Torn Apart Airplane Interiors of The Week*!
This is what a Lavatory looks like with the shitter ripped out.... Lots of room to get your "mile high" rewards club points now!.
(Hmmmm, this picture reminds me of the time when I was an apprentice and I had to carry the sloshing toilet tank down the super steep ladder stairs, my face about 6 inches away from the seat.... Blue water splashing on my hands. Those certainly were the days.) 

 

I hope I'm still as bitter at 58......

Everyone wish Happy Birthday to my Dad!
Still full of Piss and Vinegar after all these years..... 

YEEE HAWW!

Sho'nuff there was some line dancing at the wedding that I DJ'ed last night and as you can see it was quite stellar. I laughed inside as I snapped these pictures knowing I was posting them the next day.
Ha Ha drunken Country music lovers.
Everything was going along quite well, (except for my major faux-pas by not having the song "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy", that was requested by 12 year old girls and 70 year old men respectively) but at about 10:30 pm, just as everyone was getting to that drunken point where you would dance shamelessly to "Barbie Girl" they shut down the dancing and OPENED PRESENTS! WTF? I've never seen that happen before....Talk about mood killer.... Then that was it...The party was over.
Lame.
 

On a funny little gaydar side note:
These two guys are "best buds" and came up to request George Micheal. I would automatically score them a 9.2 on the Flaming scale, but it turns out they are married (and not to each other) 

Tonight We Dance.....

I kinda have a side gig...I'm a wedding DJ.
The whole thing started out innocent enough... One drunken evening at a party 2 summers ago I whipped out my new fangled 20 gig Creative Jukebox Zen MP3 player. Everyone was in awe at my music capacity in such a small compartment - no one even heard of, or gave two shits about the outrageous coolness of the "ipod" yet.
So anyways, my peeps were requesting the songs and the odds were good that I had them in my cassette walkman sized portable jukebox that could hold up to 5000 songs. Everyone got riled up, and one buddy asked if I could play the music at his reception in 2 months..... well dammit all! - the rest is history. I played that wedding with my MP3 player, my Panasonic receiver, and 2 tower speakers - I apparently rocked the joint that fateful night. Since then, by witnessing my mad skills and word of mouth that I am cheap and cheerful, I have managed to serenade 4 couples into nuptial bliss.
- Tonight is my next matrimonial hoe-down. This is actually the first time I am spinning the downloaded digital tunes for a couple I barely know (who hired me at another wedding last summer)... And to boot, they are country music homeys. This has been quite the learning curve, as I have had to research the "who's who" of the yee-haw scene these days. Apparently you can't go wrong with Faith Hill and Tim Mcgraw.

.....SO, If there is any line-dancing or other country music induced shenanigans, I will be sure to snap a pic to show you all the fun and games.

Hmmmmm......

..... I wonder if This will have any impact on British Columbia's lucrative $7 Billion Industry?

Arts and Crafts with Connielingus! - Part 3

This drawing is titled "Carlieta's Knickers" (circa 1999-2000). It was a "gift" to someone named Carlieta whom I spent 3 years of my life living with in, shall we say, less than stellar times. One day all my shit ended up on the lawn including this beautiful piece of art.
9" x 11" pen and ink and watercolors 

The L word - Episode 209 - "Late, Later, Latent"

Speaking of "latent", I sometimes forget the fact that most of the L-word Ladies are actually straight in real life. If anything, you should watch this show for it's pristine acting. These chicks certainly seem to go at it like they mean it.
The love scene between Bette and Tina (hooray!) in this episode is by far one of the best I have ever seen....movie, t.v or otherwise. Damn! - Because of this I pretty much forgot all about what else happened in the episode..... Well except for the bizarre Carmen and Jenny urination / toilet humping scene..... And maybe Dana prancing around in a strap-on harness.....  

Arts and Crafts with Connielingus! - Part 2

Titled "With Us Against U S" - This Pen and Ink drawing is my take on "you know what", and basically the whole 2001 to 2003 time period in general....A 20-something Canadian view, if you will.
If you look hard (click on the picture to enlarge) there is tiny tiny little writing all through the background - just a stream of consciousness, that even now, when I read the insane scrawl it trips me out a bit because it's fairly serious and I don't remember any of it. Unfortunately it is much better to see this piece up close and personal to really appreciate the detail.
14" x 17" Pen and Ink/Watercolors  

* AIRPLANE CORROSION OF THE WEEK *

The aircraft this juicy bit of corrosion came from had been "parked" for quite a long time and was recently brought in for a complete maintenance overhaul in order to go back into service. The high risk of corrosion will arise when older airplanes are taken out of service and sit outside in the elements - not unlike if you were to leave your patio furniture outside all winter, all summer, all winter etc..... eventually it would rust away. But in a jaw-dropping contrast, the replacement cost of a couple hundred dollars for a patio set, as compared to this one measly piece of structure's replacement cost that is valued in the thousands.
This, my friends, is why only rich bitches own airplanes. 

I've been out whoring myself........

This bloggin' stuff is so retardedly fun sometimes.... You see, like most people in this worldwide blog-gang I go around and plunder other blogs in the middle of the night while they sleep. Well, let me tell you...I have seen more than one lifetime of shite blogs, but if you can make me laugh just once with your sarcastic dry wit, you will make my coveted "BLOGS I READ" list.
So the main point I was getting too, is that I have a funny little UK ranty-blog on my list called Cakesniffers Beware!, that I have been checking out for a while via Blogs By Women. Well it turns out Tina from Cakesniffers actually wrote a post about the wonders of Technorati with my name in the title, all about being flattered at my link. So now here I am writing a post linking you to her about her post about my link. Holy fuck...are you as turned on about this as I am! It seems I have lost my kinky-linky virginity to a nice english girl.

Good Times! I am so cool ... and the bloggy world goes round and round.

Arts and Crafts with Connielingus!

Ok, so by popular demand, I will be showcasing some of my drawings over the next week or so. I will begin with my most recent piece - I started this massive undertaking in 2003 - it is still untitled and yet to be fully finished.... Will it EVER be...That is a more important statement. (it is at that fiddly "am I, or am I not happy with this" stage...It's been living facedown in the closet for the last little while because for many small insignificant reasons -I hate it- and I am absurdly anal and uptight about it all being so perfect. Usually I need to get really drunk and stare at it whilst listening to Van Morrison and then I tend not to feel so hostile. My creative process most certainly has it's moments) 14" x 17" pen and ink (center picture is watercolors) 

*New Music This Week*

I've been in great anticipation of the arrival of Martha Wainwright's inaugural full album release. Coming from such highly praised Canadian folk lineage... Sister of Rufus, daughter of Loudon and Kate - there had to be something there of a dignified musical wonder. ....And unsurprisingly my foresight was fitting - the album is dark but charming, difficult yet overwhelmingly melodic. In her voice I hear strains of something in between a throaty folk/alt-country rant of Patty Griffin or Lucinda Williams, to a somewhat ethereal Polly Jean Harvey...

But alas! - Words do not give justice....Buy, borrow or steal any of the following: "Factory" "These Flowers" or "B.M.F.A"...and you will see.
(Have a brief Listen Here)

LOL !

Guess Who is here to visit??? The Fabulous Fruity Oilpatch Princess of Alberta - my lovely girlfriend!
After Hours of deliberation we have come to the conclusion that living so far apart is cramping our style and causing undue heartache and pain... I am happy to announce that in true lesbian fashion the U-haul has been reserved and at the end of June I will be swooping in to her one horse town to bring my perfect little cut of Alberta Beef home to Super, Natural British Columbia - "The Best Place on Earth" 

Where, Why, What and How........

How does THIS happen? What in the Hell is going on in this household!!!??? .....What are the series of crazed events that lead up to a deer humping your dog?...while you watch???
I dunno - but happy Friday never-the-less. 

Why I hate Rush.

The reasons I absolutely loathe the band RUSH are quite simple and I will attempt to explain just why..... First I will direct you to the picture above....I see Geddy Lee's sweaty prog-rawk hippie nipple. Not good....not good at all.
I have come to the conclusion that there really is a distinct group of "people" in this fair country that live, breath and defecate Rush, and then there is the rest of us. This guy I work with has a fairly good theory that Rush is strictly a guy's guy kind of band and that the ladies just can't feel that outrageous manly progressive rock vibe. Well I say Fuck that...These guys sound like a pack of screeching bitches to me.
Now I'm not saying Alex Lifeson isn't a good guitarist, or that Neil Peart isn't a kick ass drummer...Its just the songs really suck....they annoy the hell out of me. Here's an example of the lyrics to their most popular song, "Tom Sawyer" :

"What you say about his company
Is what you say about society
Catch the witness, catch the wit
Catch the spirit, catch the spit"

Good god ....I can hear Geddy and his cat howl "!Catch the spirit, catch the spit!" eeeek....Yeah rock on.....catch that spit.
How about the song that I quite easily abhor the most...."Roll the Bones" - easily the winner of the lamest chorus of all time....come on every one, sing along! :

"Why are we here?
Because we're here
Roll the bones
Why does it happen?
Because it happens
Roll the bones"

uuuggh. Why are you here? Thats a better question. That song is like nails on a chalkboard for me.
Maybe my problem is just that in my 8 years of listening to the local "classic rock" station 8 hours a day at work and hearing the same 8 crappy Rush songs over and over I have become irritable and jaded. I know all those godforsaken songs off by heart. It's a sad state of affairs.....
- How can you hate them? - Because I hate them! - Roll the Bones.
 

Bette and Tina share a smile at the first of their reconciliation "dates". - You still love each other! We know you do! 

The L word - Episode 208 - "Loyalty"

This weeks installment was a pleasant change....Like a burst of sunshine after a storm ....Reminiscent of seasons past - everything seemed alright in the land of Lesbos, for a brief few moments anyhow....- but lo and behold it seems as if the Drama Machine is gearing itself up for next weeks tumultuous show .....Bring it on bitches!
- I've had a long day and am not in the mood to do my usual drawn out overview so I am just going to do it like this:

Jenny - J-dog is getting a little more bearable, but not any smarter. She friggin-well knows that her girl-toy Carmen is not 100% being honest about her Shane fascination but continues to ooze her blatant sexuality all over our poor little Jenny's body. She does not try and stop her, but who could resist?!?! She also proceeds to fuck-up her "job" of ghost writing flaming Homophobe 80's action star Burr Connor's memoirs by gushing all about her wonderful lesbian life. Burr kicks her to the curb. Jenny is sad.

Alice and Dana - Alice and Dana wake up on Monday morning and realize all they have done in the last week is each other. This has got to stop! Real life steps in and we see our little lovebirds start to bicker. Alice runs into her ex, Gabby Devoe in the Planet, and it turns out she is in love....WITH LARA - THE SOUS-CHEF!!!(Dana's Ex) This juicy lesbo connection propels Alice into her job interview with a radio station where she proceeds to explain in great detail her trademark "Lesbian Web". Sure as shit she gets the job!

Shane - Shane is all black and blue and is bitchy as hell. She is mean to Mark the video dork and she is mean to Carmen the sex kitten - so she ends up in the confession box down at the local church. We learn that Shane was a foster kid from an addict mother and that she actually isn't happy being the clam-bumping champ of Los Angeles. Everyone wants something from her and she has no more to give. Shane loves Carmen but will never let her "know" her - OR will she?!?!?

Carmen - Carmen is kinda pissing me off...sexy beast or not, she still is a bit lame for pokin' Jenny but still lusting after Shane. She needs to be spanked.

Helena and Tina - For god sake Tina! Why must you be so lame!!!! Helena is a crazy bitch! Can't you see that!!!!! So it turns out Good ol' Hell-in-a-handbasket has decided to move to L.A. and join the board of directors at the CAC all in one day....She is out of control. Her voice is annoying. It makes me cringe when she tries to hump an obscenely pregnant Tina everywhere they go. Damn! Talk about power issues.

Mark - Video-boy is in love with Shane. Good luck with that.

Bette - Finally a beautiful, fufilling day for ol' Bette. She has taken up an eerie calmness and softness in the last couple episodes that has not been lost on "T". Things are finally looking up for our favorite couple and I believe a reconciliation is not far off. How will Bette bring down the evil Helena Peabody???? Who will have the stronger Type A personality that Tina loves so much???? Tune in to Next weeks episode of the L-word.......
This climactic chapter ends with the gang blowing off a "house-warming" at Helena and Tina's to surprise Bette at her house with Wine and good feelings. Grateful smiles and tears of joy serenaded by a excellent song by Ron Sexsmith.
Roll the Credits.

Remembering a Canadian Hero.......

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the beginning of Terry Fox's Marathon of Hope on the coast of Newfoundland, April 12th 1980. For anyone who may not know about Terry, please Read Here.
This past week CBC Radio has been running a wonderful series of interviews and insights from friends, family and archives of Terry himself remembering the trials and tribulations of his dream to raise enough money and awareness to one day beat Cancer....Asking every Canadian person to donate just 1 dollar... So far this sentiment has proved successful - 27 years ago Terry Fox was given a 20-50% chance of full recovery and survival... Cancer patients today can boast an 80% plus chance of living a full life. I believe that speaks for itself.

I think one thing that strikes me the most is how simplistic the whole event was. Nothing outrageous, No corporate sponsor logos plastered on every square inch. No $300 pairs of shoes or fancy tracksuits. No sports drink commercials or appearances on David Letterman. Just a young guy who lost his leg to Cancer running with his trademark hop, along some desolate stretch of Canadian Highway, his only company being the people who would run along side him or stand at the edge of the road and cheer.
I'm sure it wasn't until that day in Thunder Bay, Ontario when Terry was forced to stop his run (when it became clear that the Cancer had taken over his lungs) that every single person in this country finally realized what it was all really for. On June 28th, 1981 - The day he passed away, we all realized that we could not let his dream die as well. His legacy had just begun.......

* AIRPLANE CORROSION OF THE WEEK *

Hmmmm.....This Corrosion really makes me think deeply, like a sleuth, as to how it was conceived ......It was located under the Flight Engineers seat track in the cockpit. One or more combinations of the following could possibly cause the type of metal breakdown we see here.
#1. The Flight Engineer spilled an acidy substance such as Coffee or Cola.
#2. The Flight Engineer had on slushy snowboots caked in road salt that melted in flight and puddled on the floor.
#3. On a extremely turbulent flight The Flight Engineer Vomited on the floor.
#4. On a close call landing The Flight Engineer Urinated and it dripped onto the floor...........
What is the moral of the story? - For the love of God! Don't pee, puke or spill on Aluminum Aircraft parts!  

Watch out for the POPEARRAZZI !

Is it just me, but don't you think it's a bit obscene and almost comical that people would wait in a line for 10 plus hours in the hot sun just to witness the sight of the "ponteriffic one" and spend the whole 10 second intimate moment looking through the viewscreen of their camera-phone....C'mon people...WTF is happening to our society?!?! I'm sure their are a few million poor quality photo's of the gray-faced holy father filling e-mail boxes throughout the world. Doesn't it somewhat cheapen the whole experience? Don't you think there are some things in this life that need to be kept just a personal observation?
- Its like the parents who go to their kids Christmas Concerts and spend the whole time watching it through the video camera instead of taking it in with their own eyes and minds. Don't ya feel as if you are missing something?  

*New Music This Week*

I just purchased the Victoria B.C. ex-pat's - Hot Hot Heat's newest album "Elevator" and I am in raptures already. This is coming from a girl who for the most part cannot stray too far from her brooding moody emo alt-folk y'all-ternative niche even on the brightest of happy days....sometimes you just gotta have a shameless nu-new wave album to kick shit up a notch.
I was already a big fan of the 2003 breakout album "Make Up The Breakdown" which garnered praise across the globe following very closely on the heels of The Strokes invasion of this new punk/new wave/pop rock genre....soon to be flanked by the good-time offerings by Franz Ferdinand and The Killers that have sold millions. Well now it is officially HHH's turn to bask in this glow.
The songs on this disk are all quality and flow so sweetly together that I am finding it tough to pick out my favorites thus far....but what I can say is that "Goodnight Goodnight" "Island Of The Honest Man" and "You Owe Me an IOU" are destined to be summer radio hits.

Not That I Give A Fiddler's Fook about Pro Golf, Butt.....

Here's a "Master's" Update....Seems Phil Mickelson has taken up the rear.....having trouble sinking the balls....its gonna be tight going into the back 9.....is he going to blow it? 

Jenny and Carmen in their schizo-rapture .....Can this lofty love survive the night?