The World Is a Vampire (a candid look at Fearmongering in 2005)

This Just In! WE ARE FUCKING DOOMED.

Hey, the way I see it, if Mother Nature doesn't wipe me out in the next year it will be those pesky Terror Cells!
Then again, maybe I'll be tucked safely into my Death-Bed by the dreaded "hsiswiudghtgtfw strain" of the Asian Bird Flu or that belated infestation of tainted Mozzies with the West Nile Virus that will finally suck my red wine infused high pressure blood.......

In the meantime the interest rates are going up along with the skyrocketing fuel prices so the only relief for the commuting nightmare is to run out and get yourself one of those highly overpriced (and extremely "unmanly") go-carts, The Smart Car.
Its a pleasure for the pocketbook AND a real help for the environment... That is until you are wiped out by some ridiculously rich Albertan Oil Maven in his Dually Diesel Duramax Chev..... Because unlike the Mountain Pine Beetle devastated British Columbia Forestry Industry, the sleazy, greazy oil-soaked Albertans seem to always be "in the black" with their precious "Black Gold".......

But here's where it gets kinda interesting.....

You see, It's only "black gold" until a few years down the road where it is actually proven without a doubt that it really, truly IS the world's insane amounts of Fossil Fuel Emissions responsible for causing the record-setting tirade of severe weather mood-swings that by 2010 have reduced the Caribbean and the southern coastal United States into a tree-less pile of mud that is slipping into the ocean.

- By this point, back here in Canada, the droughts in the West have caused a myriad of forest fires and crop destruction.... The naturally produced power has all been sold to California and B.C.'s famed and lucrative hydroponic Marijuana exports have all but seized to exist. The Farmers in Central Canada have all taken their lives quietly amongst the tumbleweeds that were once blowing fields of wheat and barley....
As the price of living spirals out of control, every Canadian with enough bus fare will attempt to join the Newfies in Fort McMurray for one last cash-in at the bitter end of the anti-climactic Canadian Dream.... A leisurely pipe dream of sucking the Earth dry of it's ever-dwindling supply of Natural Resource....
And it will be at that very moment - the only sound you will hear is the echoing PLOP of a salty tear from Ralph Klein's puffy eye as it cascades down his face into the worlds final glass of Canadian-produced Rye Whiskey.